I Speak Meow

When we were little kids my brother use to brag to everyone about how great he was at talking to cats. If there was a cat nearby he would have to prove to you how great he was at this apparently stupid yet very clever talent. He would call out this horrible sounding "Ru Row" and we would have to stand around and listen to him talk to cats like he was some sort of cat charmer or something. Sometimes the cats would answer, most probably to say, "Yeah I hear you ya jerk now get lost!". The rest of the time they would ignore him and we would say to him "Yeah whatever now shut up and lets go!".

I'm not sure why someone would be so proud of talking to cats.

I mean what an idiot right?

I swear it wasn't me in the video clip. Not in the slightest.

Please Don't Lock in the Stank!

This is just something I've noticed.

And this is also something other expats have noticed.

And maybe it's a cultural thing because I have seen it done over and over and over again and other people keep telling me that they've noticed it too.

But why is it that, here, closing the bathroom door is like....."the rule".

Is there something I don't know?

Like, it's not just, lets sort of close it halfway so that when you walk by the toilet isnt staring you in the face.

It's more like, "it's hot in here and someone just took a crap" so lets shut the door!

In every single office building I've worked here, on every single floor and every single person that has come to my house or I've been to theirs....the bathroom doors are ALWAYS closed.

Personally, if it's the office, I like to leave it sort of half open. So it can get some fresh air and stuff. If it's at home, I like to leave it open. It's an invitation to use my crapper really. It's there, it's normal and it's also available.

If a bathroom door is closed.....it leads one to believe that there is someone or something in there....or it is "out of service". I think that if the bathroom is really person free, the door should be open. A closed door says, "occupied, i'm in the crapper, come back later".

My favorite is a bathroom in a hot place like Cancun, Mexico, that has no a/c or windows, or fan and someone just "pedescar'ed el bimbo" (translation: pinched a loaf / language: Spanglish). If you think you are doing the next several people a favor......

....you're not!

So please, don't lock in the stank. And don't make me go a knockin if there ain't no one in there doing the ploppin.

(How's that? I blogged and wrote something!)

Another Forwarded Email From Mom

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded,

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place ...........................................

smack his ass again!"

Palabra A Tu Madre

Word to your mother.

My friend and co-worker Lisa Love told us a story about her friend back home who wanted to know how to say "word to your mother" in Spanish. The direct translation is Palabra a Tu Madre. Now if you go to any Spanish speaking person and say "Palabra a Tu Madre", they will look at you like you're retarded.

So for no good reason we were talking about "pinching a loaf" and thought it would be funny to translate into Spanish:

Pinching a loaf = Pedescar el Bimbo

We like that one a lot.

So I thought I'd take it to another level and do a few more:

A diamond in the rough = Un diamante en el mierda
A diamond is forever = Un diamante dura hasta la chingada
Call of the wild = Llama de la chupacabra
Charley horse = Carlos caballo
Floozie in the jacuzzi = Puta en el cenote
Hit the hay = Pelear con la hierba
Hush puppies = Callate perritos
Much ado about nothing = Haciendo un chingo para nada
Off the record = Apaga el disco
Once in a blue moon = Una vez tu culo fue azul
Road rage = Calle enojona
Take the cake = Robar el pastel
The last straw = El ultimo popote
The seven year itch = Necesitas ir al doctor para eso
Three sheets to the windo = Tres sabanas estan perdidos en el viento
Touchy-Feely = Pervertido
Vanish into thin air = No debes fumar no mas marijuana guey
Mea culpa = Es mi pinche problema
No way Jose = No mames Jose!
No playing with a full deck = No juegas en un patio lleno
Pipe down = Pipa abajo
Pipe dream = Pipa sueño
Piping hot = Pipa caliente
Word up = Palabra arriba
Fuck that = Coge eso!
Screw you = Tornillo tu!
Word to big bird = Palabra a el pajaro grande
Piss like a racehorse = Hacer pipi como caballo rapido
Pissed off = Pipi apagado

Ok if I think of more I'll let you know. I still think "Pedescar el Bimbo" is the best. If you have any, let me know and I'll add them to the list!

Hair Length, Crazy Glue (Kola Loca), & Koolaid Disasta!

It's time to measure my hair again. Mostly it's time because I'm going to get it cut tonight (ok not cut....trimmed and shaped....cleaned up!). The length it is now is probably the longest it's been and while I am proud of it, it is long and heavy and gets in the way and is kind of a pain in the ass. I'm not shitting you, it actually tickles my ass its so long. So here are he measurements from previous:


September 13th, 2006 - 20 inches
November 8th, 2006 - 21 inches
January 3rd, 2007 - 22.5 inches
March 27th, 2007- 23.5 inches


And today, on June 27th, my hair length is...drumroll please.......


June 27th, 2007 - 25.5 inches


Isn't that like almost two feet from my head? Oh well. It shall decrease this evening.

Here's a pic of that it looks like from the back:Picture Taken By Lisa Love

I think I forgot to mention that right in the middle of my moving madness, I got really stupid. The little switch for the light in my car kept falling off and I, the crazy glue lover that I am, decided that crazy glue was EXACTLY what was needed to fix the thing. I did so during daylight and then went to do some cleaning and more moving with Beck in the old apartment and upon our return to my car, I couldn't freakin turn on my lights. And it was dark. If I didn't have STUPID written on my forhead before, I certainly do now. So anyways, we called the BF of Becky and we drove to the new place together with blinkers flashing the whole way. In the morning we went and got the new part and had it replaced and it was really all in all a simple and cheap matter to clear up. But I certainly didn't need the extra stress and the extra feeling of complete stupidity to deal with.


Of course with all of the stress and confusion going on the animals don't make it any easier. So if I'm not coming home to Moco running out the door, it's a package of grape koolaid thats been bitten through with wet gooey powder purple stuff all over the place.


Just earlier Moco had escaped for the second or third time that evening and after I had scolded her, I noticed the koolaid on the couch. In my rage I asked the 3 animals (that don't know how to talk back) who did the dirty deed and Diablo was sitting proud cuz she knew she didn't do it, Diesel looked Guilty, but then so did Moco. Because you know, asking them is the RIGHT thing to do. But oh no. It gets much better. Wayyyy better. I obviously haven't realized how much I talk to my pets or the stupid things I say to them, because just after I asked them who did it I also asked them, get ready to laugh.....

"WHICH ONE OF YOU HAS THE PURPLE LIPS!?"

I haven't lost it completely. Oh no. No no no no no. I'm still completely NORMAL. We'll see how my hair turns out tomorrow shall we? Pray for me again....because we don't want any Britney Spears action happening. And no, I'm not gona wear a short skirt with no undies. You preeverts.


Just keep the clippers and the crazy glue away from me will ya!?

What Retired People Do All Day & My New Remote

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day Pat and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Pat called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

(My mom forwarded me that and even tho I don't like to read forwarded jokes and messages because I simply just don't like to read or simply just don't have the time, I read this one and laughed out loud so it must have been funny....or at least it was "my little world".)

More Chichen Itza As Promised!

I said I'd post some more Chichen Itza pics. I have more favorites but really, how many rocks can you take? I'll let the pics speak for themselves.

Later!

International Disadvantaged People's Day

Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day.

Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend, as I have done.

I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals, vote Liberal or occasionally shit yourself.......

You hang in there Sunshine,

you're fucking special...

(Thanks for sending this to me mom....now I KNOW I'm a beam of sunshine. Now excuse me while I go shit myself.)

I Want A Letter Like That

JJ was blogging about having to go to jury duty and how much it sucked. She was thinking of excuses to get out of it.

That Janie commented on her blog and said the following:

I could have got you out of jury duty, we write letters for our psych
patients all the time!

"Joyce is not mentally competent to serve on a jury" ... see? easy!

I was thinking. Thinking really hard.

Janie, could you please write me a letter like that except drop the last part that says "to serve on a jury"?

Because then I could go around licking windows and screaming obscenities (not an easy word to spell btw) and I could pull out the letter and go "SEE! IT'S TOTALLY OK DUMB DUMB! SEE! I NO COMPETENT" and then give them the bird and skip away.