No Tipping! And I Don't Mean Cows!

The other day a nice employee of Walmart brought an ottoman and some end tables out to my car.

My assimiliation into the whole "tipping society" of Mexico, had me reaching into my purse as easily as it is to blink. I pulled out a toonie and handed it to the nice boy and said, "Thank you".

He put his hands up like it was a stick up and backed away saying, "We are not allowed to take tips, but thank you for the nice gesture.".

There was a moment of embarrassment coupled with horror, followed with the feeling of...."that's freakin awesome".

So if you go to Walmart in this neck of the woods, you dont'have to tip to have your groceries bagged, you don't have to tip to have someone put things in your car, you don't have to tip to have someone back you out of a stall (hey...there's no one there to tip!).....and more importantly, you are simply just not allowed to tip PERIOD!

Keep them coins for parking. You'll need them!

To Wayne, With Love

I will ALWAYS be your SI girl! And yes....we have warm weather up north (sometimes)!

Your Directions Suck!

I grew up in Vancouver. Never really ventured out except to go to Burnaby (next city beside Vancouver) or Richmond (another city beside Vancouver). You don't have to go on any major highways to get to either of these cities and as I result, I never really went on highways, nor did I drive. If I did go on them to go to martial arts tournaments, my boyfriend or mom would drive and I never cared to pay attention to how we got to and from there.

So as a result, highways freak me the hell out. Well, actually, highways here freak me out. It's not as simple as the ocean being on one side and the jungle being on the other, and driving in a straight line to get to Puerto Morelos, Playa del Carmen, or even Tulum. All you really have to worry about are people without break lights, speed bumps, and road kill. Ok, well maybe thats not the entire truth. There is a reason why that highway is called "The Highway of Death". But to me, it's something I just understand better and feel more comfortable with.

Since I'm staying with my mom until I move into my own place, I've had to get use to the whole highway thing. She lives a lot farther from where I grew up and if you want to go anywhere, you have to take the highway. This is all fine and dandy if you go to the same place every day. But if you don't, it's a little more complicated than that. I don't understand the highway names or numbers or the exits. They have me all sorts of kerflucked. Cars whiz by and they all seem to know where they are going except me. If you are in the wrong lane or the you take the wrong exit....forget about it!

But my favorite is, the directions I get. When I have to go somewhere new, and have to take a completely new route, I cannot understand the directions for the life of me.

I do know know what street Lougheed is or how to get to it. I do not know if once I find it, if I should go left or right. I do not know if when you tell me to take the #48 exit if that means I should take #48A or #48B exit....because you failed to mention that there were TWO. I do not get that there is highway #1 East, and highway #1 West, and that god forbid I miss correct exit, I will end up in Northern British Columbia. Sure. This may seem simple to you, but your directions suck.

The directions I understand are as follows:

Leave your house, go out the gate, turn right at the security guard booth, go down to almost the end of the street and turn left at the big white house with the palm tree sticking out of its roof. Go down one block past the tienda and turn right. Turn left at the construction site. Go to the first set of lights....and turn left. You are going to drive for a long while and you will pass a starbucks, and then some schools and then when you curve up to the right, stay in the left lane and turn left. Go straight until you pass 8 topes, make a right at the next corner after that, and go straight until you see a bright yellow house. Park across the street in front of the house with the dogs barking and go up the red staircase and knock.

Now THAT is what I call good directions.

Shopping

I think my mother wants me and my zoo out of her house so she has been pricking me with a lightening rod to buy the things I will need to live solita. What she doesn't understand is that pressure purchases don't seem to be working well. I realized this after I told Miss Beckla some of the things I bought. They made no sense and I thought you might get a kick out of it:

- Doggy bed
- Doggy house coat
- T.V. Dinner table (works well with couches, you can eat comfortably in front of the t.v., or do homework you don't have or put your laptop on it).
- A set of plastic bowls. Small ones to bigger ones.
- Ketchup chips
- Popcorn.
- Garbage bags
- Swedish Berries (like Swedish Fish to you Americans de Los EEU)
- A mirror
- Stuffing to stuff an already existing doggy bed.
- A toaster oven
- Wet wipes
- Kitty Litter
- Dog Shampoo

I think there is more but frankly the list is pretty screwed up. LOL. So, um, don't force me to shop is all I'm sayin!

From the North

I have been busy busy busy busy! No time for rest and hardly any time to sleep! Besides that my lovely shit disturber cat Moco has been very good at keeping me up at night.

I worked this weekend at a festival our family has been doing for over 20 years. While it's fun, the days are long and tiring. There are many hippies at this festival and it can be interesting in more ways than one. Choice in clothing attire, or lack thereof took me back to Cancun. People wearing things they shouldn't or wearing not enough. In addition, we had two Mexicans working with us so I was speaking Spanish and getting kisses on the cheek just like the old days.


Some fun things:

- I've gotten lost about 4 times. I'm really getting sick of it. I don't know how this keeps happening but my sense of direction is all sorts of off. I might invest in a GPS system, because come on...I haven't been here long and have gotten lost THAT many times???? Get your shit together girl!

- Going to the gas station was all sorts of complicated. They have fancy fob thingies you put on your key chain to pay. I don't have one. When I tried to pump the gas, it wouldn't come out of the pump. There was someone behind me and I started to feel stupid so I tried swiping my credit card. No can do. That didn't work either. And the gas still wouldn't come out. So over the speaker someone is saying in a thick east indian accent, "Pump number three...something something something (in his thick accent which I don't understand) blah blah blah blah ginger!". So now I'm really embarrassed, go into the store and try to ask the dude what's up. He ignores me and points to the line, to which I'm confused about because all I was doing was asking a question.... I wasn't "budging"per se, nor was I expecting him to serve me. I was just asking a freakin question. But no, you must get in line for this. So I get in line and there's all sorts of confusion at the cash but apparently there is a new law where you have to pay before you can pump gas. Fine. Give me $30 which only gets me a half a tank btw. But here's the question. How the heck do you know how much gas you need and what it's going to cost?

- Speaking of lines...no one budges. (Except me apparently.) Everyone stands in single line and you often here people say, "Oh I'm sorry you were next.", with a response like, "Oh thank you very much but I think you were next.". Strange.....

- At the festival I noticed that women often paid when they were with men. Whether they were getting something themselves, just for the guy they were with, or for the both of them. I found this interesting and odd, and to be honest for some stupid Mexico macho reason it bothered me a little. Especially when the friend I was working with said, "Oh wow, you're a lucky guy, she's treating you!". And his response was, "I guess I just know how to pick the ones who pay." I can't tell you how much I wanted to slap him in the face, or better yet her, but I refrained. You should be proud of me.

- I love the non-sweaty crotch weather. It's nice and warm during the day with the evenings a little cooler. But it's nice. The air is crisp and sweet and I feel very non-sticky. Of course....winter is just around the corner. Stay tuned for my rants about that!

- I bought I new cell phone. The LG Shine. I like it. It's sturdy and I have a plan. It stressed me out to sign up for a 3 year contract. I think I'm a commitment phobe. But I did it because pay as you go here, is much more expensive than pay as you go Telcel style. But I have internet on it and that rocks.

- Diesel is happy to be reunited with his sisters. Diablo is not happy to be reunited with Diesel. He's an attention hog you see. But when he's not looking she finds me for love.

- People in general follow all driving rules. It's really really nice. I have had no road rage situations to report although I do get all sorts of flustered when people follow the speed limit.

- Um, you don't have a clutch, and you don't have a stick. So stop looking for it when you get in the car.

I think that's about it for now, or at least that's all I can remember.

But I do have one last thing to say.

¡¡¡¡¡

HAPPY HAPPY

BIRTHDAY

MISS BECKLA!!!!!

I make you virtual birthday cake okis?

(crunchy things are complimentary)

xxoxoxoxox

Ok Ok....

If you haven't gotten the slight hint in my last post about what I've been busy with lately, or if you haven't heard from behind the scenes.....or if you haven't read Lisa Love's blog yet....then you are in the dark about what I'm going to tell you.


I apologize. I truly do. But I have good reasons for keeping it hush hush and the other reason being that I didn't want to make a big fuss over it all and have people freak out.


It is true. I am not what you think I am and have been lying to you for quite some time to keep my true identity a secret.


I am an alien from the planet Canmex and I have come to this part of the earth to write about my experiences in this place they call Cancun, Quintana Roo, Mexico(.com)(.mx). My SOUL purpose was to



experience,

to love,

to hate,

to kiss people on the cheeks,

wipe slobberers spit off my cheeks,

have wacky people as friends,

hope that my sistah Karma does her job when need be,

learn what it's like to live without electricity, water, GAS

make it through crazy storms,

survive all sorts of illnesses,

learn how to drive like a maniac,

to get an awesome tan year round,

to adopt not 1, but 2 cats and a pup (and take them with me (rivergirl loves me!)

know what it's like to have a sweaty crotch,

miss things like sugarless koolaid, ketchup chips, nibs, licorice and horse radish,

make great friends with bloggers,

learn a new language,

get drunk and blog (maybe not so smart in retrospect),

learn to swear a lot,

hang up the phone on mean clients,

help friends the best way I know how,

and learn the way, the culture of the peoples that be up here in this hizouse.



My contract for this job was set for an indefinite amount of time to start, but it seems I have been called on a new mission, and I have gladly accepted the challenge.


You need not fear. I am good at bitching about plenty of things and I hope you will follow my immersion back to my homeland. Because I will bitch, and I know that's probably why you are reading. This immersion also will be logged/blogged for your viewing pleasure....and I can guarantee.....it WILL be interesting.


I fly to Canada tomorrow my amigos/as/fellow aliens from Mexcan or is it Canmex? WTF. Who cares you get the idea. I want to thank you all for your friendship and I don't want to say goodbye. But rather, see you later. Because I will. I will come over after a late night of partying and hide behind the counter. You will hear a noise though, and come out to see what it was, and I will jump out and say BOO and scare you*. And if not that, then I'll just enter your dreams and make you laugh or some shit like that.


Hugs and kisses to all of my alien friends out there.


PS Thanks for the great parties and gifts and hugs and nice blogs. You are the bestest shit eva!


*You need to forget that I'm going to do this in order for it to work. Kthnxbai!

XOXOXOXOOXOXOXOOX

Smart Tourist

Smart Tourist says to me, "Do you live here?".

I respond by asking, "Why????".

He says, "You're not melting, you look completely normal and look at me, I'm melting I'm a sweaty sloppy mess!!!".

I say to him, "That's probably the smartest thing I've heard come out of a tourist's mouth! Well done!!!!".

I wonder what people are going to say to me when I'm back home....

I Actually Said This

Me: "I don't have anything spreadable."












Amiga: "Do I really have to say anything?????"

Mosquito Nightmare!

I am going to die of Mosquito invasion. I know I am more likely to get eaten alive than your average person, but seriously, this is horrendous.

I haven't been bit like this since that time I went to Victoria Island with my brother and an Italian girl . All the hotels were booked and my bro thought it would be a good idea to "camp" without camp gear in the middle of the forest. HA. Lets just say there were chunks missing from my skin it was so bad. Plus I stunk like smoke because "if you stand in the fire smoke they won't get ya". Yeah sure. Now I'm itchy and smell like I've been roasted on an open fire.

Shortly after, I went to Italy and the Italians thought I had a disease. It was so bad that I was bruised everywhere from scratching the bleep out of myself. Of course my bro and the Italian girl didn't get it as bad as me. And so, for the rest of my life I will be known as the girl with "sweet blood". Nice.

Anyhow, I digress.

What I'd really like to know is, why the "Mosquito Patrol" comes around spraying the neighbourhood, putting poison in our sisternas and drawing on our walls when there has been NO rain for months, and then when we've had a tonne of rain and there is dead water everywhere, they don't show up?

I know I said they were ninjas, but this time the mosquito ninjas are surely not doing their job, because otherwise, I wouldn't have 30 mosquitos on me at once as soon as I step outside the door. Plus, there is no new graffiti.

Anyways, I don't know why this would be surprise to me. You know....things not working the way they should.

Which also leads to the question, "Why do we need mosquitos?". Apparently I'm not the only one around that wants them GONE.

Excuse me while I go scratch.

Want My Money OR NOT?

There are some things that I just don't understand. Do you want my money or not? In most cases, it appears, you do not.

You require that I pay you a monthly security fee. I have no issues with this. I'll pay it. But then take my f'n money and write me my receipt and let's be done with it yes?

No.

I want to pay for the month.

"Go pay in the office," says the security guard.

Ok. I'll go there right now.

(I'm in the office as instructed.)

Can I please pay the security fee for the month? (to the lady in the office at the desk)

"No, I'm sorry the lady that takes the security money is not here. Can you just go down 3 streets and pay over there?"

Um?????? No!!!!! WTF!!!???? I ain't going to her house. This is the OFFICE and she should be here during these hours! So where the bleep is she?

"Well can you wait 10 minutes?"

Um, no I don't have time to wait I need to pay now or forget about it. That is why I am here now. And I plan to leave now.

"She's coming "ahorita" (right now)."

Right now? Why is it the same bullshit every month? You tell me I have to pay, and you make me run around every month so that you can have my money. It doesn't work that way. You should be chasing me!

"Maybe she can go to your house."

No, um MAYBE you don't understand. I don't have time. You don't want my money? That's fine I will take it with me. And the next time the security guards ask me if I paid, I will tell them that that stupid puta in the office no quiere mi dinero! (doesn't want my money!)

So open the gate PLEASE. Cuz now you've done gone pissed off the Canadian biotch! Watch out or she'll throw a sasquatch on your ass.


(Note: Security fee is not paid for the month of July. Now you know why.)