Automated Bathrooms. A Review.

I understand that we are living in a world where technological advances are imminent. While some of these advances are super duper cool, there are some that just get to me.

At what point did we lose the ability to flush toilets, turn on the tap, and tug on a paper towel?

First. The Toilet:

I have issues with the fact that an automatic flushing toilet just randomly decides that I'm done. Um, sorry, I was not finished doing the deed and frankly I don't like you splashing my behind without asking me first! I suppose some genious thought that this would solve the problem of people forgetting to flush. But how many times have you gone into an automatic bathroom and seen stuff not flushed? LOTS! Because guess what, automatic shit....it....BREAKS!

I also love it when you get up and you think the sensor senses you are done, but nope. Not a nada. So you are all confused about what to do and can't find the secret non-automatic button for the life of you. But just as you give up and hope there isn't a line-up outside waiting to use the bathroom that YOU DIDN'T FLUSH, it flushes. But not once. Like 5 times in a row...... just cuz.

What about the simple fact that toilets that flush automatically have a mind of their own and never really work. What about the fact that you went into a bathroom stall to cry, or blow your nose, or recover from being drunk on your ass, or just to get away from an irritating friend and all it does is sense you in there and keeps flushing.....thus disturbing your wah, your zen, your moment of peace? Irritating. Totally.

Give me a toilet with a pedal or a long enough handle that I can kick flush. I don't have to touch anything with my hands so germs are not a factor. Will I forget to flush? No. Will others? Yes. Will the automatic toilet screw up more or less than humans? MORE (as seen by my every-day-observatory studies)......thus this blog.

Second. The Taps:

So you put soap on your hands (not yet automated but close) and put your hands under the tap and NOTHING. So you move to the next sink. And the next. And the next. Before you realize that there is some special hover maneuver that you must do just under the tap at a 45 degree angle whilst standing on one foot. I mean really. I swear, one tap of every automated bathroom is borken (broken), and almost all of them play games on you. Seriously. I'm not that lazy, I can do it myself.

Thirdly. The Paper Towel Dispenser:

Out of all of them, I think this one peeves me off the most. Probably because it comes last in the lineup of automation. Just GIVE ME THE FREAKIN PAPER TOWEL ALREADY! I am so sick of waving my hands around in the air like a freakin idiot. And why is it that they set these stupid automated paper towel givers to give you like 2 cm of paper towel??? And is there some sort of ten second rule before it can dispense the next 2 cm of paper towel? They are almost worse than the hot air hand blowers that I hate so much. If I am wearing jeans, you better bet that I just wipe my hands off on them because it's so worth it not to waste my time pretending I'm Harry Potter. Papelus Manus! And is it just me, or are they super slow at recognizing that you're waving your hands around like an idiot, and spitting the paper towel out at you? Just give me a good 'ol crank where I have control over the appropriate amount of paper I want to use. Because lets face it. If you think you are saving the earth by your magic paper towel dispenser, I've got some serious frickin news for you.....unplug the toilet, the sink, and the paper towels...DER!



Who would have thought that taking a leak involved so much BS? Now I know why some people don't wash their hands or others (men) piss in the bushes! It's too bloody (that was for the Brits in the hizouse!) difficult! From the gratuitous ass splash, to the game-playing taps to the "sorry I don't want to dispense nothin for you!" towel dispensers.....I think we need to take a step back and realize that taking a crap doesn't need to be this difficult, nor as controlled. Let us unite and crap when, how and where we want. Not when some stupid machine tells us!

Yeah! Palabra al Pajaro Grande!