Hold My Hands & Kiss Me

That's what I'm talkin about!

"Twas a Dark and Stormy Night....

Dark: Check

Stormy: Check

Night: Check

Praying that this is the worst it will ever get: Check

Wondering why the weather is so screwy this year: Check

Foreshadowing of Hurricane Season this year: Abort Abort Abort!

Automated Bathrooms. A Review.

I understand that we are living in a world where technological advances are imminent. While some of these advances are super duper cool, there are some that just get to me.

At what point did we lose the ability to flush toilets, turn on the tap, and tug on a paper towel?

First. The Toilet:

I have issues with the fact that an automatic flushing toilet just randomly decides that I'm done. Um, sorry, I was not finished doing the deed and frankly I don't like you splashing my behind without asking me first! I suppose some genious thought that this would solve the problem of people forgetting to flush. But how many times have you gone into an automatic bathroom and seen stuff not flushed? LOTS! Because guess what, automatic shit....it....BREAKS!

I also love it when you get up and you think the sensor senses you are done, but nope. Not a nada. So you are all confused about what to do and can't find the secret non-automatic button for the life of you. But just as you give up and hope there isn't a line-up outside waiting to use the bathroom that YOU DIDN'T FLUSH, it flushes. But not once. Like 5 times in a row...... just cuz.

What about the simple fact that toilets that flush automatically have a mind of their own and never really work. What about the fact that you went into a bathroom stall to cry, or blow your nose, or recover from being drunk on your ass, or just to get away from an irritating friend and all it does is sense you in there and keeps flushing.....thus disturbing your wah, your zen, your moment of peace? Irritating. Totally.

Give me a toilet with a pedal or a long enough handle that I can kick flush. I don't have to touch anything with my hands so germs are not a factor. Will I forget to flush? No. Will others? Yes. Will the automatic toilet screw up more or less than humans? MORE (as seen by my every-day-observatory studies)......thus this blog.

Second. The Taps:

So you put soap on your hands (not yet automated but close) and put your hands under the tap and NOTHING. So you move to the next sink. And the next. And the next. Before you realize that there is some special hover maneuver that you must do just under the tap at a 45 degree angle whilst standing on one foot. I mean really. I swear, one tap of every automated bathroom is borken (broken), and almost all of them play games on you. Seriously. I'm not that lazy, I can do it myself.

Thirdly. The Paper Towel Dispenser:

Out of all of them, I think this one peeves me off the most. Probably because it comes last in the lineup of automation. Just GIVE ME THE FREAKIN PAPER TOWEL ALREADY! I am so sick of waving my hands around in the air like a freakin idiot. And why is it that they set these stupid automated paper towel givers to give you like 2 cm of paper towel??? And is there some sort of ten second rule before it can dispense the next 2 cm of paper towel? They are almost worse than the hot air hand blowers that I hate so much. If I am wearing jeans, you better bet that I just wipe my hands off on them because it's so worth it not to waste my time pretending I'm Harry Potter. Papelus Manus! And is it just me, or are they super slow at recognizing that you're waving your hands around like an idiot, and spitting the paper towel out at you? Just give me a good 'ol crank where I have control over the appropriate amount of paper I want to use. Because lets face it. If you think you are saving the earth by your magic paper towel dispenser, I've got some serious frickin news for you.....unplug the toilet, the sink, and the paper towels...DER!



Who would have thought that taking a leak involved so much BS? Now I know why some people don't wash their hands or others (men) piss in the bushes! It's too bloody (that was for the Brits in the hizouse!) difficult! From the gratuitous ass splash, to the game-playing taps to the "sorry I don't want to dispense nothin for you!" towel dispensers.....I think we need to take a step back and realize that taking a crap doesn't need to be this difficult, nor as controlled. Let us unite and crap when, how and where we want. Not when some stupid machine tells us!

Yeah! Palabra al Pajaro Grande!

Humidity

I've been back in Cancun since Monday night and I must say the hot humid wetness out there is kinda gross and sticky and irritable. It usually rains a lot in June and it has rained a lot THIS June. So that means hot sticky humid weather out there.

And you know what that means....

Yup.....

Back to the.....






.......sweaty crotch.

Photos of The Great White North

Recommendations

I just went into my Google Reader.

Under "Top Recommendations", it suggested I read a blog called Mexico "Way" .

I think google reader is the bomb now. Who wouldn't with that type of advice?

How To Make A Krispy Kreme.....

And there you have it!

Things

- I saw a sign today that was just outside a farm. I didn't understand it. Then I realized it was because I was pronouncing it WAY wrong. It said:

Hay

for Sale

"I for Sale"? WTF is that? OHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh HAY for Sale. DER!

- I had a Frosty from Wendy's. I know you are jealous. Just say it. You know you are!

- I went to Ikea. Swedish. For common sense. My common sense tells me there is way too much shit in that fucking store! Holy Macaroni! My head is exploding big time. TOO MANY THINGS TOO MANY CHOICES!

- It's snowing. Not snow though. It's snowing cotton fluffs from the Cottonwood Trees. It's very interesting seeing little fluffs blow all over the place. The good thing is, I am not allergic. How sweet it smells too.

- I couldn't find the damn garbage in the public washroom. Then two minutes later after sitting there baffled, I realized I could flush. DER!

- I get all confused with the packaging here. For some stupid reason the English just confuses me. Usually shit is in Spanish (mierda) so I'm not looking for English. Usually I'd have to peel off a tag to read the English. It's work, but it's familiar work. I understand this work. And then there is the French, and frankly, the French isn't helping me much either. And you know, if you keep spinning the product around and around, the Spanish doesn't just appear. So I just give up and put it back on the shelf.

- The weather has been nice to day. And I still don't have a sweaty crotch.

- I will try and get some pictures tomorrow. I keep forgetting. DER!

Twilight Zone

So um, I failed to mention I'm in Vancouver right now. LOL. Well I'm not really in Vancouver but sort of. In any case, I'm not in Mexico and I haven't slept well the past 3 days so I'm not really sure if I'm really here or not here or what.

Here are some interesting things that happened today:

- I went to a veggie/fruit store and got overwhelmed with the amount of fresh fruit and veggies that were all displayed ever so nicely. They were not gushy and rotting or damaged and old. You did not have to pick through them to get the best ones. And cherries! Glorious cherries!!!! Oh how yum. I liked how the veggies didn't have oil or wax on them too. That was a bonus.

- I got this awesome bread from a bread store. It was pumpkin bread with a sugary creamy cheese topping oh lordy. LORDY.

- I went to the bank and oh my god the young lad behind the counter was so freakin nice and friendly and I was like "blink blink. blink." ..... is this a movie?

- I had a meltdown in London Drugs (drugstore with all sorts of great things). Too many things, too many things to look at. Choices choices choices. Ouch my brain hurteded. Had to go FAST.

- We walked into Safeway and this cute tall man said "hello" and smiled. I felt like a dork and was like, "Hey mom, he said hi and didn't drool and say mamacita and turn around to look at my ass! He just said HELLO!??". Wow.

- It's the coldest June here on record. Um....WTF? It's like NOVEMBER weather. Oh well, at least I don't have a sweaty crotch.


Seriously, this IS the twilight zone.

Big Foot

WTF is THIS Graffiti BS???

In all of the apartments I have lived in, someone has gone out of their way to come and write some stupid numbers and letters in some stupid math formula on my wall . I can hardly see how this is acceptable or ok in ANY way. And if they don't use the polite writing instrument of white chalk, they will use a pen or pencil and maybe if you are lucky, a felt pen.

Now I KNOW I'm not the only one they do this to because all of my neighbors have it on their walls as well. But WTF??? And right next to my entrance door???? Do you know what the hell paper is???

My guess is that it is some gov't agency that is vandalizing apartments and houses and that this is somehow acceptable???? If you read my blog, and know me, you will understand that this pisses me off in more ways then one.

The best part is that I'm sure these dudes are ninjas because even though they are writing on everyone's walls like every month or two, I HAVE NEVER SEEN THEM DO IT. They are extremely lucky that they have gotten away unseen. Because I tell you,...... I am a trained Ninja myself and they would surely perish if I were to catch them.

If you know what the dealio is with all this graffiti wall writing, then please share. And if you've taken one of these graffiti ninja's out, please be so kind as to tell me how you did it, as it would please me greatly.

Thank you.